26 August 2009
Patience is a vulture that eats you up inside … we’ve heard that before or something like it. Patience is actually pretty weird when you come to think about it. As children we were hardly patient and it’s a trait we had to learn. As a father you will have to teach your children to be patient.
Your newborn will have patience built in up to a point and then restlessness and crying become the two behaviors that indicate to you that their need is not met.
Let’s discuss patience during this Phase of pregnancy.
BEING PATIENT WITH YOURSELF
Think back on the last entry … kindness to yourself and the negative self talk that plagues us if we don’t learn how to control it.
Developing patience will serve you well throughout your life from now on that you are a father. Just because you are in the process of ‘becoming’ just means you have this blessed time to grow qualities without your child mirroring back to you whether you’re doing well or not.
How many times in your life did you show your parents that you didn’t like how they were parenting?
During these 12-24 weeks you get to learn how to stay in the Now rather than try to figure out how you got to this point or what will happen in the future. Staying in the Now, the present time, is a hugely important spin-off of patience.
Patience is about being in the now and not feeling jerked around by the past or the unknown of the future.
Patience to yourself involves being kind to yourself. If you are still finding the transition difficult from being a man who only has the responsibilities he chooses to a man who is about to be responsible to another human being who cannot take care of them self don’t beat up on yourself. Talk frankly to your baby’s mother and find out how difficult it is for her as well.
Pregnancy is full of the unknown and unmanageable for one reason … to train you to accept the unknown and to bring good qualities to the unmanageable. Yes that’s right, you are becoming a much fuller, deeper and enriched man … or enriched human being who happens to be a man.
One way to grow patience is to stop your mind from whirling around. One of the very best skills you can develop is to tell your monkey mind or the stampeding elephants inside to just shut up and stop. Then take a deep breath and be in the Now.
Being patient with yourself is like a cool drink of water, there is no hurry.
Develop a bottom-line for yourself such as ‘If it isn’t going to be dead in 5 minutes you have lots of time’.
Most of us rush around as though the sky is falling all the time. This is exhausting. Do things slowly, still your mind, breathe and live in the present.
PATIENCE TOWARD YOUR BABY
Until you can feel your baby move, even if you’re looking at the development as found on the last blog entry, the baby can seem very vague and distant. If you can’t see or touch something then it’s hard to know it exists.
Perhaps you’ve had an ultra sound and seen a picture of your baby or heard it’s heart beat … still pretty vague!
Once you feel the first flutter from your baby something changes profoundly in you … This is your child. You can feel it. Perhaps the ultra sound showed whether you were having a boy or girl or you might have chosen not to know.
Knowing whether your baby is a boy or girl does help you speak to it within it’s gender. You might be surprised how differently you think about your son or daughter. Although there is a great deal of news about a preference for boys in some cultures, when gender preference is not taught most men feel equally positive about having a little girl as having a little boy.
Girls grow up to be women. A woman is who you impregnated. You’re going to have a job to make certain your little girl grows up to be a lovely woman and takes to her a nice man who in time will become a good father.
Boys grow up to be men. You are a man. Your job as a father is to show your son what a good man and good father does so he can grow up to care for a good woman, be a good partner and father.
If you have chosen not to know the gender of your child until birth then you can spend this time speaking to it as though it were both a boy and a girl. Oh goodness, you might be pregnant with twins or triplets!
During this Phase you will move from still feeling your baby is far away to actually feeling your baby move in its mother’s belly. How very exciting. Now you’ll have to be patient and wait until your baby is born.
BEING PATIENT WITH YOUR BABY’S MOTHER
Pregnant women always appreciate patience coming from their baby’s father. In the Chinese cosmology the Yang energy of men is hot and fast … what’s new? The Yin energy of women is cool and slow … what’s new?
Yet during pregnancy a woman’s energy becomes more Yang. As you already have learned or will learn women get very hot during pregnancy. To grow a baby they must have 50% more blood. That’s why there are more veins on her breasts. A woman’s body is really stressed by being pregnant.
By now you know her moods, emotions, thoughts, physical changes and physical abilities have been changing. Because you know there are fatherhood qualities that can be learned throughout pregnancy that will help you father, these qualities, of course will help you in your relationship with your baby’s mother.
Whether it’s showing patience as she finds clothes to fit her ever expanding body, or patience with leaving an event early because she is tired or patience with her dislike of a dish you’ve cooked because she can’t stand the smell … it’s all good.
What do you lose by being patient with her? Very little unless she is refusing to leave the house that burnings. Then pick her up and carry her out.
However, you need to ask her to be patient with you. As a human being another human being (your baby’s mother) does not have the right to use pregnancy or motherhood to rip into you.
There is actually NO gender inequality when it comes to good and decent behaviors.
If your baby’s mother is not patient or kind to you, let her know exactly how she should show those things to you. You can’t just ask her ‘not to be impatient’ instead you need to say ‘it would help if you slow down for a moment so we don’t feel rushed’.
Don’t bitch, ask for what you want and be as specific as you can.
When you grow this fatherhood quality your heart will see and hear so many other things besides … hurry.