17 September 2009
It’s seems that the last few blogs have been discussing some very intense topics but growing great fatherhood qualities include all aspects of life.
Our modern societies give us a false sense of security and often leaving us feeling outraged when something unpleasant happens. Truly mature and balanced men learn to maintain equanimity. Of course, the depth of maturity comes with age but it begins during pregnancy … and each pregnancy. In fact each pregnancy renews your capacity as a man to deepen your self.
Growing patience during this phase takes several directions or consists of several dimensions. You’ll find multiple dimensions in each of these words/qualities.
- You can begin to feel impatient about seeing and greeting your baby … hurry up birth.
- The needs of the pregnant woman begin to also revolve around her relationship to her pregnant body.
As mentioned, 24-32 weeks is often a wonderful time for pregnant women. It’s the time of truly accepting your pregnancy and that you will be a mother. During this phase a woman begins to have difficulty separating herself from her child. This interconnectedness continues for years and is one of the things women struggle with.
Women can feel disconnected from their baby … child and that brings grief, irritability and anger. Women can feel overly connected and live their life through their children or lose something of themselves.
Because women meld with the baby growing inside their body, everything that she does now has an element of two rather than one. This means you can become a third rather than the all important second/other.
This is where men must exercise patience and understanding. Women don’t want to lose both the friendship and lover aspect of your relationship but no one has taught them how to balance these two relationships … child and lover.
We’ve discussed how important it is for you to begin to change your perception about the woman in your life. She is no longer a sexual relationship. She is in the midst of a biological mandate to be in a motherhood relationship. The hormones that regulate motherhood are not the same as the ones that regulate procreation. Once procreation has occurred, the motherhood hormones grow and consume the former.
Keeping your partnership relationship healthy and balanced requires lots of patience and heaps of discussion.
Often men and women in modern societies come together to be ‘the all for each other’. When this is the case, what happens when the baby becomes ‘another’ within that dyad of ‘two’?
This is what happens when maturity leads: The heart expands.
This is what happens when immaturity leads: The heart reduces
Why do couples split up after they have children? Besides money issues, the biggest issue is that they do not work on and keep alive their primary relationship as partners. They get lost in the children and work.
As you grow your maturity please keep in mind that your heart is getting bigger. The love you feel for your baby’s mother is one type of love. The love you feel for each of your children are all separate and unique types of love.
The human heart has the capacity to love many (not billions all at once … that’s ‘compassion’ rather than ‘love’.). This means each relationship nurtures you in return as you nurture each relationship. Some people believe that they give all their love to one person and there’s no more to give.
It is during this phase of pregnancy that you begin to experience this heart expansion. You must be patience and kind as your heart opens. As it does open and you realize the love you have now for two different people, you then need to learn how to grow and sustain each relationship in a way that’s unique to each one.
In other words, your relationship to your baby’s mother will never be the relationship you have with your each child. Each relationship requires your total involvement (in so much as the total involvement is appropriate for that relationship). This might seem a bit unclear but once you understand this then relationships will not tire you.
You don’t need to give everything to everybody. You need to give what is appropriate to each relationship in a total manner. This means each relationship stimulates a different part of you rather than requires all of you at all times. It’s like playing different sports or instruments. Growing these different relationships then becomes the basis for how you mature and become more well rounded.
But you’ll resist this openness and it will tire you at first because you’ll give to much away. Be patient with yourself as you learn how each relationship grows different aspects. Keep in mind that when you drive a car you do not do everything all at once. That would be frenetic and draining. You use several skills at once but more so you adjust, modify and subtly use each of those skills. When you drive well, you feel in harmony.
When you grow each relationship in its own manner and are energized by doing so then you’ll feel in harmony. It’s such a relief to know you don’t have to give everything of yourself at all times to everyone.