Today is my son’s birthday so it’s a great day for me to talk about who we are as children. Because I’ve traveled extensively and lived in quite a number of other cultures I’ve been able to observe some things I might not have noticed otherwise. Often I don’t speak the language so I’m left with only observation.
There can be no argument that we are all one humanity and you can impregnate any woman whether she shares anything in common with you other than our shared humanity. This means that any child can be brought up in any culture, learn any language, be part of any religion and learn any set of skills and social behaviors.
This realization can be so very liberating because you are not constrained by cultural norms. Yet, this ‘freedom of choice’ can seem too big, too general and too hard to grasp. If you’re free do whatever you want how exactly do you know what ‘choices’ are possible or available? Also ‘choosing’ is not the same as knowing how to do something.
When it comes to the birth experience, you might think you can ‘choose’ what type of birth you want but you’ll get the birth that occurs. ‘Choice’ is both an illusion and a reality. ‘Choice’ is always simpler when we choose what we know for sure.
When you (or any of us) were a baby we had very little capacity to ‘choose’. We had needs … feed, sleep, turn-over (babies cannot turn over for several months and like to have their positions changed), be held and be left alone. Sometimes it’s quite difficult to read the language of a newborn.
You would think that knowing what a child needs would be instinctive or intuitive to a father or mother. Instinct and intuition grow because every single moment (once your baby is born) is spent in observing your baby, trying different things and seeing what works. That means you will learn what your baby is non-verbally saying to you and be able to respond faster.
There are nine months to ‘become’ a father and another nine months to ‘become’ a confident father (or mother).
Because most of us have little cultural ‘parenting’ skills passed on, we often feel we are left to our own devises. You often hear that babies don’t come with a ‘manual’ … but if you lived in any traditional culture were everyone does similar things then you would have that manual.
The below list of qualities are so essential to grow in yourself. It is these qualities that will help you learn how-to be a balanced father as well as a balanced partner and a balanced human being.
- Attention to detail
- Being able to see what needs to be done
- Growing a second set of arms (I’ll explain later)
- Growing two more sets of eyes (I’ll explain later)
These qualities are not specifically ‘male’ or ‘female’ or ‘father’ or ‘mother’. These are positive human qualities understood by all other human beings … by actions and less by words. Your newborn will know if you are feeling patient even if they are crying and crying. A newborn or young child cannot tell you why they are crying however if you feel impatient then that just increases their discomfort. Your baby wants you to grow your patience as a father-to-be.
Therefore to grow your patience is a good thing for a child who cannot express its ‘choice’ or wants or needs in a verbally clear manner. If you grow your patience over the next nine months then you’ll be more skillful in maintaining that balanced state. It’s during this early pregnancy period when the woman in your life is going through her own changes in her phase of ‘becoming’ a mother which then gives you the platform through which to exercise patience and grow it.
One way to grow that quality in your life during pregnancy is to observe your world and see yourself moving through it with patience. If your partner is not feeling well and going through lots of changes during these first few months then you can ‘observe’ that she is not feeling in balance at the moment. This is a good time to use your patience. She is also learning to grow these same qualities even if the first few months feel unsettled.
If you have any questions about what patience looks like as actions then go back to The Dog Whisperer and watch how people learn patience with their non-verbal pets. Children and pets are not the same. A dog does not possess a Neo-Cortex … that part of the brain that is shared by primates and humans. But human’s Neo-Cortex matures with age and is not yet organized when we are in our baby state.
However, the above qualities are not specifically part of the Neo-Cortex … however, they are all tied to it through our human ability to exercise ‘choice’ which does come from the Neo-cortex.
As I traveled and observed millions of people interact and live their cultural ways these qualities stood out and were lived moment to moment even if life was not pleasant. I also observed that human beings all have the ability to look forward to a possible future as well as look back and learn from the past.
These first few months of pregnancy offers you a unique time in your life to learn to self-enhance these qualities in everything you do, in every way you speak and how you interact. You have the ability to learn from your past and how to increasingly grow these skills so that in your future with your child you can exercise these qualities as a father. You can see this future. You can create the future you would like by growing the qualities of a balanced man.
However, in these first few months emotions can sometimes shift so rapidly that there doesn’t always appear to be a clear future. This is also a human attribute. It’s like our Minds can see so many different scenarios when everything looks chaotic. This unique period of chaos (pregnancy, birth and newborn) happens periodically during Life and you may already know that. Chaotic and unsettled periods drive us all to grow. Chaos and unsettled is not always bad, it’s dynamic!
So during this unsettled time you get to watch yourself and learn how to manage, cope, deal with and work with your life as it is rather than how you ‘want’ it or ‘choose’ it to be. You cannot usually control external factors. You can always control your responses. This might not be simple to do yet this is something that you eventually teach your children.
This is the Circle of Life.
This blog will help you develop skills while your baby is growing inside its mom’s belly. You also need skills to be an effective help during The Birth. Here’s the best resource The Pink Kit Package (The Tool kit for fathers-to-be) is what you need to learn starting at 24 weeks … or later if you are reading this later in pregnancy. Become a wonderful birth coach/support and Wow your doctor or midwife, your parents, friends and partner. Step up now.